I’ve been busy with family. I spent time (no, invested time) with my 3 year old grandson this month. He is growing up so quickly, and watching his little personality unfold is one of the biggest joys in my life. On a day trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, he boldly ran from exhibit to exhibit, excited to show us all the things he remembered from his last trip there. He also was conversational with all of the adults he met, and inquired of them, “How old are you? I’m three!” I absolutely treasure every moment with him. I’ve also invested time in my relationship with my husband. I explained to him long ago, when our relationship was young, that I prefer to use the term, “investing time” rather than “spending time” with each other. I know how powerful language is. When you say you are “spending time” it sounds like the time is being used up, frittered away without any benefit. But saying that we are “investing time in each other” has a much more positive connotation. It is a solid investment in the present and the dividend is paid in a solid foundation for our relationship, and in a deep connection for our future. Are you investing time in the people you love?

In February I will be traveling to England with my husband to invest time in his family. We are both looking forward to this time away from work, where we can invest in the people we love. So, I already know that February will be packed full even more than January was. My goals for February include slowing down enough to write more blogs, to take better care of myself through exercise and healthy eating, and to give back to my community through charity and connection. I’d also like to get my rose garden pruned and ready for spring, and enjoy some time in nature.

Do you set goals for yourself? I find that setting goals gives me an opportunity to achieve more. There’s a quote from Douglas Adams…”I love deadlines….I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by!” This always brings a grin to my face. Of course, goal setting doesn’t have to be set in stone. The key to enjoying life is flexibility and improvisation.

What deadlines have been flying by you lately? What goals would you like to achieve? Have you been investing time in those you love, or “spending” time foolishly on things that don’t merit your time? Whatever you hope to change in your life, whatever you hope to achieve, I wish you success, inspiration, and joy. I wish you healthy investments and abundant returns.

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This might sound simplistic or too “soft”. Perhaps you’ve been taught to believe that you must be hard on yourself and have big goals to achieve anything. I’m proposing an alternative: be loving with yourself, and celebrate small victories. Set realistic, specific and achievable goals. When you achieve a goal, even a small goal, celebrate your success. Be happy with your small successes, and they will lead you naturally to bigger ones. What if the only resolution you made in 2014 was to love yourself more?

I see so many people as a therapist who absolutely despise themselves. They tell me endlessly how unhappy they are with the way they look, the way they live, the people they love. I listen, and I wish that each person filled with self loathing would just wake up and love who they are. I have told many clients what I’ve struggled to learn myself: hating yourself will never lead to anything productive. Any form of self improvement, no matter what you hope to improve, must be centered in and motivated by love, in order to be successful.

It doesn’t matter whether you want to lose some weight, or get more toned, or learn to dance, or heal your ulcer…or conquer your fear of heights, or become a huge business success….unless you approach and manage the changes you want to make in yourself from a place of love….you are setting yourself up for disappointing setbacks and ultimate frustration and failure. The truth of change is that it is difficult under the best circumstances. As humans, we are creatures of habit. We turn to what is familiar because it is familiar. We find comfort in familiarity. Even when we know that something (smoking, for instance) is not healthy for us, we cling to our bad habits because they have become a familiar comfort to us.

So, before you go beating yourself up over already dashed new year’s resolutions…stop and think what you would say to your best friend. Before you begin to berate yourself over the failed first week of the year, think of how you would speak to a young child who is frustrated over trying to learn something new. Make this year the year you change your approach toward yourself. Base your changes on self love. Talk to yourself as if you are extremely valuable, loved, and precious. Because, in fact, you are.

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Let me use an example from my own life. In October, I made a personal choice to eliminate sugar from my diet. This was not something I did on a whim. It was a choice based on careful consideration and discussion with my family physician, and for personal health reasons. I was very successful with my decision through Halloween and Thanksgiving. I found sugar-free recipes for some of my favorite holiday treats, like pumpkin pie. But I did not make it through the festivities of Christmas sugar-free. I gave in to the multitude of temptations surrounding me at home, at work, and at social gatherings. Basically, the entire month of December, up until today, has not been sugar-free. So, I can view this as a failure on my part, and frame it in a way that guarantees further failure. Self-talk which reinforces black and white thinking, would go something like this, ‘You really blew it! Now you’ve ruined all the progress you had made. What a failure you are.’ A healthy reframe would go something like this, ‘You have succeeded in the past with eliminating sugar from your diet, and you can succeed again, starting today.’

Using reframing is a healthy psychological way of turning what could be a negative stumbling block into an opportunity to build more success into your life. What disappointments have you had recently that could use some reframing?  It’s amazing what a difference a positive point of view can make.

Wishing you beautifully framed realities today and in all of 2014.

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