So, why do I knit? People cheerfully point out to me that it isn’t cost-effective. Why buy yarn (not a cheap investment) then spend weeks or months on a project, when I could go to any department store and purchase something that has been mass-produced for a fraction of the cost, and zero time investment? If I just wanted a sweater, or a blanket, or any old hat, I could do that. I could go to a department store and purchase an adequately produced product for not much money and very little time investment. Knitting is not about saving money, or being efficient with your time. If it were, people would have given up knitting decades (maybe even a century or more) ago.

When I was a child, my Mother never sat down without having something in her hands to work on. She was always knitting or crocheting something for someone. She rarely made anything for herself. I still have the afghan she made for me when I was 19 and newly living independently. When I’m feeling sick, it is often the only blanket that will comfort me. It is a way for me to be connected, once again, to my Mother’s hands. It is a way for me to feel her love again, even though she has been dead for over a decade now. My niece still has the baby blanket that my Mom made for her, and it is one of her most treasured possessions. I own a beautiful green cardigan that my Mother-In-Law knitted for me before she had ever met me. It connects me to her in much the same way that the afghan my Mother knitted connects me to her. My Mother-In-Law passed away this July. I haven’t been able to wear my beautiful green cardigan since she died, because it has been too warm. But I took it out of the closet yesterday, and held it in my hands. I felt her spirit with me while my sweater was in my hands.

I find it much easier to complete knitting projects that are intended for someone else than the ones intended for me. I guess that’s partly accounted for by the reality that I know what it feels like to be given something hand-made. I know what I feel like when someone has lovingly crafted something specifically for me. I want to share that feeling more than I want to give something to myself.

I was knitting in a doctor’s waiting room one day, while waiting my turn. A young girl, about 12 years old asked me about what I was doing. I explained to her that I was knitting. I showed her the ball of yarn, and the stitches on the needles, and explained that eventually what I was working on would become a sweater. She looked at me in amazement. She said, “You mean you will carefully make each stitch and count each section out until you have made a sweater??? I don’t think I could ever have that much patience!” I talked to her about the reality that knitting helps me to feel present in the moment. I don’t bother about the finished project while I’m busy working on it. I get lost in the stitches right in front of me. Each stitch, each row, each section becoming its own goal. It may be similar to the way athletes only focus on the goal immediately in front of them (like improving their time, or winning THIS game, or making it up the next section of the mountain). It is a type of patience which has served me well during my life.

I learned to knit as a child. When I was in high school, I was completing complex sweater patterns. I think the patience and practical coping skills I learned from being a knitter helped me to cope when I was putting myself through college and working and parenting children all at the same time. Just like staying focused on the row in front of me, as a student, I stayed focused on the specific homework assignment, or paper, or test I needed to prepare for. I stayed present. I dealt with each day and let the following days guide me.

I had forgotten about knitting until the past few years. I was busy raising children and focusing on my career. When my Mother-In-Law knitted that beautiful green cardigan for me, she reignited my passion. It was a gift that she may not have known the value of. I love my cardigan. I love that wearing it opened up the part of me that loves to knit. I am not a knitting expert. I’m just a woman who understands that being patient, taking on a challenge, and investing time in creating something pays off, in ways that can’t be compared to a cheap garment purchased from a department store.

The post The Psychology of Knitting appeared first on Carri J. Nash, RN, MFT.

I need a new car. I go out shopping for a new car after I figure out what I can afford. I make a new car purchase based on what I need, what I can afford, what I want, and what is available. I’m happy with my purchase. Contented. Satisfied that I met my need. Then, the first car payment comes. Suddenly, I’m not so happy. The first flat tire comes, I’m not elated. The first dent happens. The car isn’t making me happy anymore. See? It is transitory.

But, there are things we can all do to cultivate happiness, so that we aren’t dependent on chance occurrences of momentary contentment.

1. Practice gratitude. Being grateful for what we already have decreases the tendency to always be striving for more.  Sheryl Crow said it in her song “I’m Gonna Soak Up the Sun”: ‘It ain’t getting what you want, it’s wanting what you got.’  When we practice gratitude for what we already have, happiness is more likely to hang around.

2. Learn to like (even better, love) who you are, right here, right now. This is similar to number one above. But it’s also different. Many people postpone happiness, telling themselves that they’ll be happy when they lose weight, find a partner, buy a house, etc….   But nothing makes being happy harder than telling yourself you are not OK. If you work on accepting who you are right now, flaws and all, and loving where you are in your life, you will find happiness that seems to just burst from the walls. It’s there, it is just waiting for you to stop “shoulding” all over yourself.

3. Recognize that being happy, and having joy are two different things. I need to thank a client for this insight. He reminded me of this in a session earlier today. As spiritual beings, joy is our birthright. When we are in touch with our true nature, joy is always there. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, that comes and goes of its own accord. You can be unhappy because of circumstances that are troublesome, and still be in touch with the innate joy of your spiritual self. This takes practice. Meditation, prayer, mindfulness practice, gratitude practice all are avenues of connecting with your joy. Being happy includes not confusing happiness (fleeting) with joy (normal state of spiritual awareness). Do not be fooled into thinking happiness is supposed to be a constant.

4. When you aren’t happy, give yourself permission to feel whatever is there. This goes along with #2 pretty closely. It connects with self acceptance and self-love. If you are sad, let yourself be sad. Feelings have an annoying habit of lingering around the more we try to ignore them. Let yourself fully feel what you feel. Give yourself permission to be fully human, and know that whatever you are feeling, it will be different in a few minutes, or a few days, or a week. Accept yourself, including your emotions, in the here and now. If you have trouble doing this, you may need some help with the reality that there are no bad emotions, only bad actions. You can be angry without hurting others. You can be sad without blaming others. If you have trouble with this, you may need some help learning to separate feelings from actions.

5. Don’t worry, be happy. Worrying about things that are out of your control contributes to discontent and unhappiness. If you have no immediate ability to change something, stop worrying about it. This includes loved ones who aren’t living their life the way you think they should. Stop “shoulding” on your loved ones. Stop imagining that things should be different from they are. And please, stop worrying. You’ll live longer, smiling more often.

If you need help with any of these five methods of finding more happiness, call me at: 831-214-8087.

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What makes people ungrateful? Last week I was pondering just this subject, when I got a message from my spouse, around 9:00 at night. His car had broken down in about an hour drive from here. He needed me to come and pick him up. I was worried about him, and unhappy that I needed to drive so far at such a late hour. In my rush to head out the front door, I twisted my ankle and literally fell out of my front door, onto the concrete step. My keys flew out of my hands and the drink I’d had in my hand also went flying. I landed hard on my left hip and left wrist. With some help from family members, I got up, brushed myself off, and although I was shaking from the fall and the landing, I got into my car and headed toward the highway. On my drive, all I could think about was how much I was hurting. It was like a stuck record….my brain kept going back to my hip…my wrist…my shoulder…

When I finally got to my husband and heard the full story of how his car had stalled and quit running completely on a busy city street, in three lanes of traffic, I was flooded with relief and gratitude that he hadn’t been injured. Why had that gratitude alluded me during my drive? Because I was experiencing acute pain. The physical pain of my fall preoccupied my thoughts, as I adjusted to the reality that I’d caused myself pain. By the time I’d gotten to my destination, the pain had calmed down some, and I’d begun to count my blessings. I began to be grateful that I hadn’t gotten hurt any worse than I did, that my bones and skin were intact, just shaken and bruised. I began to be grateful for my husband’s safety in the midst of his auto failure. He described how no one stopped to help him while he literally pushed the car to the side of the road. Gratitude flooded over me.

And I realized this: when people are overwhelmed by either emotional or physical pain, they are not able to focus on gratitude. My mind traveled back in time to my Psychology 101 class, and I remembered Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. When our basic needs aren’t met (safety, food, shelter) we get fixated at the bottom of the need pyramid. Perhaps when people are ungrateful, they are struggling with unmet needs or unresolved pain. Emotional pain can interfere with gratitude as well as physical pain. And then I thought about people who are hungry, or struggling to pay their bills or keep a roof over their head. I thought to myself…if a person’s basic needs are not being met, regardless of the reason, they most likely would struggle with a lack of gratitude.

But what about the people who act as if they are entitled to your kindness, generosity, help? Where does that come from? I’m not sure I know the answer to this one. Perhaps from social conditioning. Maybe they’ve been taught that they are powerless and must depend on those with more power and more abundance. Perhaps they feel as if they have been victimized by their families, and have no reason to expect their own success. Perhaps this is learned behavior. But the reason they behave this way is not the real issue. The real issue is: “Why does it upset you?”People who struggle with setting and keeping healthy boundaries typically find it difficult to deal with someone who is entitled. Their demands create distress in the person who is uncomfortable saying a simple little word: no.  If you feel like a bad person when you say no, this is about you and not about the person who is asking. So instead of blaming them for asking, look at your own emotional reaction. A request is only a request. What you do with it is up to you.

How do you deal with these people? First, you remind yourself that absolutely nothing is wrong with them. They are humans, and they are attempting to get their needs met, like all of us. So, if someone is complaining and ungrateful, what can you do? You can ignore the grumbling and be pleasant in response to their grumbling. That is one possibility, and it’s an adequate start. If that’s the best you have to offer, then it’s enough. If you are feeling clear within yourself, and compassionate toward them, you can try reflective listening. Reflective listening is when you set aside your thoughts and ideas, and you just reflect the words emotions of the other person. Someone has just grumbled to you about how awful their week is going. You make eye contact, and you say something like, “You’re having a horrible week. It’s stressing you out and you feel……”

When people feel heard and understood, they feel loved. When people feel loved, a big, important need is being met. You can help stabilize their hierarchy of needs just by listening to them. Wow! That’s a lot of power! And if you can give them some compassion, and some calm support, you are being generous in the most amazing way.

If you need help polishing up your listening skills, or learning healthy boundaries, call me: 831-214-8087.

The post What’s Wrong With These People???? appeared first on Carri J. Nash, RN, MFT.

Why am I excited? Because EFT works. I am excited because EFT works in a way that is not easy to explain, but yes, it does work. What does it work for, you might ask.  What I know for sure is that EFT works to re-balance the body’s energy, and that helps to shift the emotions. EFT was created (or discovered) in 1997 by Gary Craig. Gary had been a student of Dr. Roger Callahan, a psychologist, who had been teaching a form of energy therapy called Thought Field Therapy. Dr. Callahan’s Thought Field Therapy was a complex method of muscle testing and using tapping on meridians of the body to relieve emotional suffering. While Dr. Callahan’s Thought Field Therapy was effective, it was complex and expensive. Gary Craig simplified Dr. Callahan’s techniques to make them more universally effective and easier to learn.

During the seminar, we fledgling EFT practitioners practiced on each other. We watched demonstrations by our instructor. Even as beginning practitioners, we were able to relieve each other of symptoms and help each other process stuck emotions. I had been studying EFT independently for over a year. Gary Craig initially offered his technique for free…and there are lots of free lessons in EFT available over the internet. But studying independently didn’t give me the depth of knowledge and appreciation for this technique that being in class with a certified expert offered. After the first morning, I was completely happy that I had paid for this seminar. I knew it had been a wise investment. After the final afternoon, I was eager to get back to my life so that I could begin incorporating what I had learned.

I’m excited because the name of this technique “Emotional Freedom Technique” is completely accurate. This simple technique offers everyone the opportunity to have emotional freedom. It gives me hope for so many reasons. I’m excited to use this technique on my own issues. What? It’s a surprise to you that I have my own issues? Well, no one knows this better than a therapist, we all have issues. I’m so excited, and at the same time relieved that there is such a simple solution available to help people live their best life. I’m relieved because I know I can learn to be a better therapist than I have been. I can help people quicker, and I can help empower them to help themselves. I can be a stronger “force for good”.

It is my intention to become a certified EFT Expert. But today, I’m just an excited novice, who is on a new path, and filled with a palpable new excitement.

If you need help with stuck emotions, call me at: 831-214-8087. 

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For people who are happy in their relationships, a holiday to celebrate the love you share should be a happy occasion. Unfortunately, just being in love doesn’t mean that people have the budget to buy the things that the shops are pushing. So you are deeply in love and you can’t afford a dozen red roses in February for your beloved? Does that mean that your love is less real? You are just beginning to recover from the spending frenzy of Christmas and now the stores are beckoning you to spend spend spend to show your love. Do you love less because you spend less? No, absolutely not. Spending money that you don’t have doesn’t prove your love, it only proves that you are vulnerable to suggestion. Being present for your beloved proves your love. Seeing your loved one through trials and difficulties proves your love. Listening when they need to vent, cry, or announce a victory signals your love. Being patient when they are sick, or sad, or just needing your attention signals your love. Being affectionate every day of the year is a much better way to express your love than buying the right card or gift one day of the year. The truth is, there is nothing you can buy that proves your love. So if your budget is low but your love is big, just say it. Some of my favorite gifts that I’ve ever received from my husband were home-made CD’s that were compilations of love songs that he personally selected because they reminded him of me, or us. And I’ve been known to express my love by cooking a special meal at home. It doesn’t need to be an expensive “date” at a fancy place with a big price tag. Just show your love in little ways all year long, and the special days will take care of themselves.

Perhaps you aren’t in love, and the theme of Valentine’s Day leaves you feeling even more aware of your loneliness. You see the ever-present advertisements, you hear the couples planning their Valentine’s Day events, and the whole thing just leaves you feeling alone. Does your lack of a committed relationship mean that you aren’t deserving of cupid’s arrows? Do you feel frustrated more this time of year over your single status? Many people do. If this is you, take time to love yourself. Speak kindly to yourself about the fact that you are single. Love who you are and what you have to offer. Be positive. Notice when you are having negative thoughts, and gently but firmly release them. Replace them with positive thoughts about the reality that you are deserving of love and respect. Use positive affirmations to anchor yourself in a positive frame of mind. Create a vision board of all the things you would like to attract into your life. Focus your attention on what is important to you, in a positive way, and you will find that positive changes are just around the corner. Negative thinking tends to bring more negative events. Use you mind to change your situation. Instead of focusing your energy on your lonely feelings, and thinking about how much you would like to change that, just focus on seeing yourself with your ideal partner. Our thoughts are so powerful. Believe in the power of thinking positively, practice it, and you will see love blooming in your life.

Sometimes love unravels this time of year. If you find yourself in the ending phase of a relationship, I hope you know that you are not alone. Relationships end all the time. Just because February is the traditional month of cupid’s arrows and hearts and flowers, it doesn’t mean that relationships that are unraveling magically become happy again. There is no easy time to face the end of a relationship. If you are dealing with endings, please do not allow the fact that other people are happy to increase your unhappiness. Be gentle with yourself. Allow time to grieve. Most of all, know that endings open the door to the possibility of new beginnings. Like the singles mentioned in the previous paragraph, love yourself. Nurture yourself through this month of hearts and flowers. and know that you deserve love and respect, always.

Love is in the air all the time. February is just the month when we play with cupid. Resolve to express your love, for yourself and others, every day. Be positive whether or not you can afford a luxurious splurge this month. Know that love isn’t about a card, a gift, or a fancy meal. Love is about presence, the gift of your time and attention, which are more priceless than a dozen roses in February.

If you need help learning how to love yourself, or if you need any other help with relationships, call me at: 831-214-8087. I’d be happy to schedule you for an office visit.

The post It’s February…Love Is In The Air appeared first on Carri J. Nash, RN, MFT.

Children don’t grow into adulthood remembering every time they got what they asked for Christmas. They don’t treasure memories of presents that were unwrapped on Christmas morning and then quickly forgotten about. Children take memories with them into adulthood about time spent together. Some of my personal favorite memories of my Mother are pretty simple times. I remember coming home from school on a hot September day, and my Mom had ice-cold watermelon waiting for me. We sat and ate watermelon together, and enjoyed letting it cool us off, while we enjoyed just being together. I remember at Christmas the tree decorating, the baking  (done together), the trips to see Santa, and the anticipation of spending time together as a family on Christmas morning. But I don’t remember much about the actual gifts I received as a child. Check your own memories. I’m guessing you will discover the same…that nothing material compares to the memories of time shared.

Let go of the idea that your Christmas has to be perfect. There are no perfect holidays, no perfect families, and no perfect gifts. We all fall short of that ideal. Let this holiday season be about giving the gift of your time, attention, love, and connection. That is, after all, the most priceless gift you can give.

Wishing you and yours joy and laughter, and the knowledge that being fully present with your loved ones is more than enough of a gift.

Call me if you’d like some help finding your joy: 831-214-8087

The post Give The Gift Of You appeared first on Carri J. Nash, RN, MFT.

I have the “Serenity Prayer” framed and it hangs in my therapy office, near my messy desk, where I submit insurance claims and complete my office paperwork. It is a well-known prayer, but I doubt that most people have stopped to think about the words:

What does it mean to accept the things we can’t change? Mostly it means that we can only change ourselves. We can’t ever successfully change another person. We can only change our reactions or responses to the things that other people do. I can’t change anyone except myself, and even changing myself is a struggle. Change is a huge challenge for us all. So instead of pointing the finger and demanding change of those around us, we each need to look inward, and figure out what we as individuals can do to bring about the change we wish to see in our families, communities, and nation.“The courage to change the things I can”…well, once we identify what needs changing (within ourselves first, our families second…the broader community), it does take courage to set about changing things. People cling to what is familiar because familiar is comforting,even when what is familiar is dangerous to us or destructive to our families. Change is often destabilizing, and frightening. That is why change requires acts of courage. Even something as little as saying no when we need to, and meaning it, takes courage. Learning to behave differently, no matter how small the change, requires daily acts of courage. So, celebrate the courageous moments when you have made effective changes, and be willing to celebrate the people you know. We are all struggling to be and do the best we can.

“The wisdom to know the difference.” Ah, that is where the serenity comes from….the wisdom. We can get caught up in fighting impossible battles, because we lack wisdom to know what and how to change. Learning how to love ourselves, respect ourselves, and to build changes on that platform of love is the beginning of effective change. I firmly believe that no one has ever successfully made permanent change in themselves by focusing their energy on self-hatred and making themselves feel unlovable. Having the wisdom to attempt change from a place of love….self love, love of family, love of community, is a wise plan. Deciding to change oneself, by building self-respect where there was none, and building healthy self-love where there was contempt, is an act of the highest wisdom. Deciding to let go of the things that are out of our control, the things that we can’t successfully change, is also an act of wisdom. Serenity is a gift that we give ourselves, by focusing our energy where it is productive, and letting go of the impossible jobs that we assign ourselves.

I wish I could give everyone the gift of serenity; calm, focused energy, fueled by wisdom and appropriate acceptance. If you need some help figuring out how to find your serenity, call me: 831-214-8087. I’d be happy to help you sort through your to do list, and scale it down to something achievable.

Wishing you and everyone serenity, today and every day.

The post Serenity: My Gift To All appeared first on Carri J. Nash, RN, MFT.

We hear so much bad news…the stories of riots in various cities around our country has lately been high in the news. Stories of severe weather and climate change are around us all year-long. We hear stories of people being unkind, dangerous, and completely without regard for themselves or others every day. But we don’t hear enough about people, young or old, who want to help others. We don’t hear enough about the people who are quietly determined to “save the world.” I’ve often thought this, have commented on it here in my blog before, and now more than ever believe that we should have a “good news station” where people are celebrated for the good that they do.

Can any one person save the world? That is a huge task, and not one that any of us can likely accomplish. But we can, like Mother Theresa, love people as individuals. We can acknowledge that everyone we meet is worthy of love and respect. We can treat everyone as though they are doing the very best they can do (because I believe everyone is doing their best). We can each wake up every day committed to loving and respecting ourselves first, the people we are close to second, and anyone we encounter as if we are all precious. Because we are are all precious. We are all carrying our own burden of self-doubts and fears and desires and dreams. We are all capable of greatness, and we are all capable of making the world a better place, even if we only do it one person at a time.

This young woman I mentioned earlier had a long list of things that she is grateful for. Gratitude for one’s gifts is a beautiful way to change the world. Taking to time to appreciate the big and small miracles around us is a way to change the world. Staying positive when all around is negativity is a good way to change the world. Being genuine in a world full of superficial materialism is a good way to change the world. Being kind in the face of unkind acts, returning hatred with love, are good ways to change the world.

Don’t ever believe that you lack power. We are all powerful beyond anything we can imagine. Exercise your power today, and leave someone better than before they knew you.

If you would like to reach out to me and get help changing yourself, so that you are more able to save the world, call me at: 831-214-8087. I’d be happy to make time for you in my schedule.

Wishing you belief in the goodness of young people, and the ability to change the world.

The post Saving The World-One Person At A Time appeared first on Carri J. Nash, RN, MFT.

I first became acquainted with suicide attempts when I found my older sister, Penny, in a bathtub, her wrists slit, blood spilling into the water, and passed out. She was 14, I was 11. That was 46 years ago. A lifetime ago, I was a frightened 11-year-old, staring at my older sister, naked and bleeding, in our family bathtub. She’d gone in to the bathroom for a bath, and I’d been waiting for her to come out so I could have my bath. I got tired of waiting and went in to hurry her along. I don’t remember much of what happened after my discovery….someone called an ambulance, Penny was taken to the hospital….and I didn’t see her again for a long time. She was admitted to a psychiatric ward and not much was said in our family about what had happened. Looking back on the events of that evening, I’m shocked that no one thought it was important to find out if I was OK, or whether I had any concerns about where my sister had gone, or whether she was OK. But it simply wasn’t discussed. We went on about our business, as if nothing had happened. I didn’t know what to ask, or who to ask, so I just walked around, numb and hurt by what I’d seen, confused, and too emotionally raw to speak.

Penny was a deeply disturbed young lady on that day 46 years ago, and she carried her suicidal tendencies with her throughout her life. The attempt I witnessed was one of so many that we lost count as a family. She went on to have four children. Her second daughter, my niece,  has described to me that she remembers driving her Mother to the hospital before she was legally allowed to drive, at around 13 or 14 years old,  in a blind panic after finding her unconscious from an attempted overdose. I have no idea what it is like to find your Mother near death from a suicide attempt. I only know what it was like for me to find my older sister, and I can tell you that it was terrifying and it left an everlasting impression on me.

My older brother, David, was my best friend in childhood. Only a year older than me, he was my playmate throughout childhood. We romped the neighborhood together, played “Army” and “Batman and Robin” in the summer, built snow forts and had snowball fights in the winter. He taught me to climb trees and find tadpoles and frogs in the local stream, and how to ride a bike. He encouraged me to be as much of a tomboy as possible. Being the only boy in a family of 8, he wanted me to be his buddy. As an adult, he was an AIDS patient. His self-destructive cloud of drug abuse in the early eighties had led to both him and his wife contracting HIV, almost before anyone knew what it was. After years of struggling with ups and downs in his health, living on disability, and waiting for AIDS to take him, he took matters into his own hands one day, and put a gun to the roof of his mouth and pulled the trigger. I sat in the hospital consultation room with my nephew, a college student at the time, and my other family members who could make it there. We all heard how grim my brother’s prognosis was. He had a bullet lodged in the frontal lobe of his brain. He had pretty much destroyed his sinus cavities. The doctors were explaining that if he survived at all, he would probably be in a chronic vegetative state. I sat with him in his ICU room and held his had and prayed for God’s will to be done. I was afraid to pray for him to survive, because I knew he would not want to survive if it meant being completely dependent on others. But he did survive. He proved the doctors wrong. He recovered, and his intellect and personality were pretty much intact. I guess it must have been God’s will for him to survive. He later told me that he knew the minute the gun went off that he’d made a mistake, that he wanted to live. Maybe it was his will to live that created the miracle of his survival, maybe God…I don’t know.  He lived for about 10 years after that event, and I was with him when he finally was taken from us because of complications from the AIDS diagnosis. I held his hand, kissed his forehead, and quietly said to him, “Now you don’t have to hurt anymore.” And then I left his hospital room and prayed that what I believed to be true, was true. I prayed for my brother to be at peace.

My sister Pat was Penny’s twin. They were my inspiration when I was a young child. They were three years older than me, and I looked up to both of them. They were both smart, and I remember being excited when I was old enough to sit at the table and do homework with them. Pat succeeded in taking her life in 2011. She had battled Bipolar for most of her adult life. She had many heartaches, and many demons. In addition to the Bipolar diagnosis, she had multiple medical conditions that required monitoring and treatment with medications. In 2011 her husband’s group health insurance was cancelled, due to no fault on the part of her husband or my sister. They searched for several months for another policy, but found that because of preexisting conditions, Pat was not insurable. It wasn’t just that they couldn’t afford health insurance for her, they were flat-out denied the chance to be insured. Pat quietly took her life one Sunday morning. She wrote three notes, all of them explaining that she chose not to be a burden to her husband any longer. She knew that life without insurance meant he would feel obligated to find a way to pay for her required medications and care in cash. She did not want to put this burden on him. Did she hurt people by her decision? Yes. Was it a selfish decision? I don’t think so. I don’t think my sister was selfish. I think our society was selfish. I was angry with the broken health care system in this country. I felt it was absolutely shameful that in a country this wealthy, anyone would feel that their individual health care needs were too much of a burden.

There were eight children in my family of origin. The three siblings closest to me in age, and who I was closest to in childhood, lived tormented lives and all three of them attempted suicide, only Pat succeeded. Still, Penny and David have died and I miss all three of them.  Their behavior was influenced by strong familial tendencies toward depression, and many other situations that influenced them as individuals. I myself have been depressed, I’ve had my dark nights of the soul.  I chose professional help and self-nurturing behaviors. I’m not entirely sure why I’ve coped this way and they coped that way. I know that my depression was  not severe or prolonged.   I feel a strong connection with the phrase, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”  There is a deep well of empathy within me for the intensity of emotional pain that leads to the most desperate decision to commit suicide. But many people become depressed without ever seriously considering taking their own lives. So, what causes some to turn to suicide while others turn to less destructive ways of alleviating their emotional pain? I wish I had the answers. I know from my professional training how to assess for suicide risk factors. I know how to get a patient put on a “5150” hold, because of being a risk to themselves. I don’t know why some people end up, in spite of help being available, choosing to end their life in suicide.

There has been a lot of talk this week, on social media sites, about suicide being a selfish  act. At a certain point in time, I also thought that. Many years ago, My first husband and I were dealing with a marriage that was, in many ways, broken. We had agreed to go to marriage counseling. The outcome of the counseling was that my ex husband decided to exit the marriage. We had discussed having several more counseling appointments to negotiate the separation and divorce. But we never had the chance. The marriage counselor we had been seeing went out on the beach one Sunday morning and quietly took his own life. You see, depression is a no-discrimination disorder. Mental health professionals don’t get a free ride. No one is invulnerable. I attended this man’s funeral and saw his wife and children grieving. I saw the pain in the faces of the people who loved him, and I told myself that what he had done was selfish. It was the only way I could make sense of what seemed so senseless. It was what I needed to believe in order to cope. But now, I look back on that and I question my right to make that assumption. I knew very little of this man. I knew nothing of his personal, private world. I knew nothing of his pain. I didn’t even know him well enough to grieve the loss of his life. I just didn’t know how to make sense of his choice. I didn’t know how to understand that maybe, to him, it didn’t seem like a choice at all.

Some say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But that doesn’t seem true on a few different levels. First, depression, for many, is not a temporary problem. It is a dark and determined cloud of despair that stays too long. It doesn’t seem to be a temporary problem when you’ve battled your way back from the depths of despair time and time again. And I have to question whether suicide is a solution at all. I know that the pain does not end because someone takes their own life. It just gets redistributed to the people who are left behind. And I don’t know what happens after we die. I believe in an afterlife, but I don’t know how our actions, including the act of suicide, influence our afterlife. For my sister Pat, for Robin, for the others who’ve left us by their own hand, I pray they are at peace. But I don’t have any way of knowing that for sure. I have questions, not answers.

I could quote suicide statistics here, but they are easily found on the internet. This isn’t about statistics, it is about the fact that too many people are hurting. Too many people take their own lives in a deep despair that defies logic. Too many people leave this world, with all of its pain and joy, too soon. What can we do, as individuals, to make a difference?

Can we be more loving and less judgemental? Can we be kinder, more compassionate, more respectful? Can we live our life knowing that everyone is hurting in some ways that may be invisible to us? Can we, like a dog, wag more and bark less? I hope so. The optimist in me wants to believe so. I want us to become a more aware, more loving society.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please be brave enough to reach out. There is help available. I pray that you will, and I pray that your request for help will be met with kindness, compassion, respect, love, and a glimmer of hope.

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One of the quickest ways to kill romance is to try to control your partner’s decision-making. If you are both adults, you are both presumably capable of navigating life’s decisions independently. I see the destruction caused by over-controlling partners in my therapy practice every week. People leave relationships because they “feel smothered” or “lose themselves” or “don’t have time to be themselves” any more. If your partner has used any of these phrases with you, this is a warning siren. Pay attention, or risk losing everything.

If you don’t trust your partner, ask yourself if this is a pattern for you. Do you tend to smother people? Self awareness is not always easy. You may want to ask for feedback from your friends. If this is truly your issue,  you need to check yourself when the urge to control is convincing you to nag, check up on, or simply demand your way. Manage your anxiety through healthy behaviors: exercise, hobbies, investing time in your friendships, etc.  If you still feel the urge to control your partner’s decision-making, you may benefit from seeking professional help. Even if your partner has given you reason to doubt their honesty, nagging and controlling will only bring an end to the relationship more quickly.  “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

You can’t fix your anxiety about being separate from your partner by nagging or controlling them. Whatever the root cause of your anxiety is, you need to work on healing those issues. If you can’t do this on your own, seek professional help. Get healthy within yourself, so that you can offer your partner a healthy attitude. You can’t make anyone stay in a relationship by controlling them. Love is only love when there is freedom to choose.

“Darkness can not drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

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